State of Coma

That's how i describe my situation right now - in a state of coma. I just hate my self when I am like this. I can't think straight, I don't want to move, I don't want to talk, I can't understand the show I am watching, I can't read, my brain malfunctions and I can't even play with my Amber. I just don't have the energy to do things. even if I want to sleep and forget everything, I can't just do it. I've been in this kind of situation when I had my first "break up" with my seven long years 1st BF, which I knew since grade school. In short, we've known each other and been there with me 3/4 of my life at that time. Imagine losing a person whose with you and been with you almost all of your life. All that experience was so new to me that I don't know how to handle. From that experience, I realized that it is important to keep a friend or friends who will be there when you are in a deep pile of shit. It is selfish as it may sound but it will really be helpful if I have friends around me. Also, it is important to have a life outside a relationship, a social life and activities. But for me, to have a social life is really so hard because I am really a home body person. I don't want to go out and I'd rather watch a movie than to spend money going out. But now, that I am again in a state of coma, it's really hard to keep going. I don't have a job, money and I cant even be with my last train. I feel so frustrated with my life already. I feel so useless and irresponsible specially for Amber because I cant pull my self together. Sometimes I let out my frustrations to her which is very sad and unforgivable. I really need to straighten my life, to think clearly and be strong. I just don't need it for my self but for the most important person in my life. But God, please, I really don't know how to start and where to begin. I feel so tired and I am really at my point of breaking down. I don't even have anyone to talk to, It's good thing that I was able to make this blog, that somehow, it helps me to express how I feel.

I am writing this because I am reflecting with my life now. And I've read a blog from a woman that I don't know. Well, actually I know her somehow. I feel for her and i know what she's going through. I envy her because she's smart and a very opinionated woman, I think. I envy her because despite of what her situation is, she managed to be strong. She is surrounded with supportive and happy family, loving friends and she has lots of activities. I really wish I can be like her. Despite of heartaches and frustrations she knows how to forgive and take away all the anger that she's feeling; Act as if nothing happened and go on with her life. She's the coolest person I have ever known. How I wish we can be friends and I can let her know how I adore and admire her. I wish her happiness that I am hoping that in anyway I am not contributing to her sorrow.